I hope you guys are well.
I want to talk about guilt. Nowadays, I feel guilty pretty much about anything. Yesterday, I felt guilty because my daughter wasn’t feeling well and I was trying my best to make her better. Plus, she was missing school. Now today, she’s still missing school. We didn’t make it. There’s a snowstorm outside and I was determined to take her to school because she woke up feeling better. I was fortunate enough to be able to leave my youngest with my friend downstairs. We made it halfway to the school before my daughter tripped and fell, body forward, on wet snow. I was even holding her hand at the time, but she still fell over and her pants and coat got completely drenched. I couldn’t take her to school and leave her like that. I would be at home feeling guilty as heck because her pants were soaking wet and who knows how long it would have taken to dry. We had to turn around and go back home and once we did, with time ticking away making us late for school and my friend not being able to stay longer with my youngest, I made the decision to stay home.
It squats in my mind and travels down and pangs at my heart repeatedly. I try to brush it off. I tell myself, “It happens to a lot of people. It’s not the end of the world.” But even if I let it go, it only last for mere seconds and then I’m right back to feeling guilty. So I try to figure out why the guilt? Well, in this instance, it’s because other kids made it to school, in the snowstorm. Other parents were able to take their children, in the snowstorm. I failed. That’s how I feel at the moment. I can definitely wallow in it, but I really don’t want to so instead I go online and print out several worksheets for my daughter to work on at home. We also read books and we practice her sight words. It’s the least that I can do and I always include these worksheets in her folder so her teacher can see them. This makes me feel better, but the guilt is always going to be there. It’s part of being a mom. I don’t particularly like it and I wish that I could just switch it off in my brain, but it’s just not who I am. I wish things could fall into place perfectly. Wishful thinking, I know, but then maybe guilt wouldn’t seep in. Or does guilt serve a purpose? I don’t know. I just want the best for my daughter and I don’t want to fail her. It is my responsibility to take good care of her and make sure that she’s in school learning. I don’t want to mess her future up so since I can’t do away with guilt completely, I can at least try to give it all I’ve got and when things just don’t work out, find ways to calm the guilt down and know in my heart that it’s ok.
It’s really ok.
Take good care all.
Until next time…